Yogi's House

For our next vacation we will be going to Yellowstone National Park. We are scheduled to go a couple of weeks before Memorial Day, pre-summer crowds. I am quite excited, as I haven't been since childhood, and my husband John has never been.

Our upcoming trip will conclude a full year of national park visits. A year ago we went to Yosemite, and instead of paying the regular $20 entrance fee, we bought an annual Park Pass for $80. Thereafter we felt compelled to "get our money's worth," and we really did. The list included: Yosemite, Muir Woods and Death Valley in California; Arches, Capitol Reef, Bryce, and Zion in Utah. If all goes as planned, May we'll see Yellowstone and Grand Tetons in Wyoming, and Craters of the Moon in Idaho. That annual pass was probably the best investment we ever made (not that we do much "investing.") It really got us moving. I can't wait to buy another one, and I highly recommend it as a motivator!

Ever since we camped at Lake Tahoe a couple of summers ago, I've developed a fear of bears. The camp hosts at Meek's Bay told us there were a few bears who regularly visit the campground, so be sure to clean up really well and keep all food and scented items in the bear box. What they didn't mention was, it doesn't matter how thoroughly you clean up your own camp, because the bozos in the camp next door are going to be too drunk to remember to put up the cooler and lock the bear box. In fact, they will practically lay out a casino-style buffet picnic for Yogi and company!

We felt lucky to get a spot at Tahoe in July, so we didn't complain when it was not lake front but one of the small ones right off the main road. We set up our tent in a bush alcove to create a little privacy, and as we were setting up I noticed a path through the bushes. At that time I assumed it was a shortcut to a trail which led to a nearby resort.

But at midnight, when our neighbors began yelling and banging pots and pans, and my dog started growling, it suddenly occurred to me that our tent was right next to a bear-path leading to their "crib" in the rocks behind our camp! From then on and for the rest of the long weekend, I got NO sleep, so convinced was I that, even if not intentionally, a bear might accidentally rip through tent nylon in his haste to escape with a midnight snack, inadvertently crushing my head and slashing open my jugular!

I never actually saw the bears, only their post-party aftermath. But thereafter I was obsessed, noting each and every bear and wild animal incident, including one near where we would camp in Utah in which a bear ripped through a tent and pulled an 11-year-old out, sleeping bag and all...gruesome! "It's because of the drought, "said animal experts, "...not enough berries this year." But I noticed that statistics indicate more and more wild animal attacks in recent years. The paranoid thought occurred to me that we humans may soon be going the way of the dinosaurs as Wild Kingdom takes over global management to create a greener world. "Why, it's the fault of all those politically correct do-gooders who don't believe in "managing" these critters with a shotgun! The only place I care to see a bear is in a cage at the zoo or stuffed and standing behind plate glass at the Museum of Natural History! Covered in cobwebs! " I was sounding more like a flag-waving NRA member by the day. I started thinking that the gun range sounded like fun. My husband started thinking I was getting a little scary. It got even scarier when the 4x4 truck magazine started coming to our mailbox...I had ordered a free subscription off the internet!

Later, camping along the coast in northern California, in an area in which they supposedly hadn't seen a bear in several years, we had brought along our small gas grill and John cooked up some steaks. If there were any bears in the vicinity, they'd soon be showing up for John's BBQ. But there weren't any bear boxes in the camp, so I figured we were safe. That night I drifted into a comfy sleep, when suddenly I awoke to the sound of heavy snorting and breathing, just outside the tent. In my terror I could barely utter a word as I shook my husband awake. "It's a bear..." I gasped. John groped around for a flashlight as he listened. For a minute he too looked petrified. Then he called out, "Hey, are you alright out there?" "No-o-o" someone groaned in reply.

"It's that old man from the next camp who just had
shoulder surgery," said John. "He must've tripped on his way back from the bathroom and he can't push himself back up."

Now I was gripped with a different sort of panic as I stumbled to the camp next door to wake up the neighbors. "Grandpa what in blazes are you doin' out there!" they said, although if it was my Grandpa I think I'd be moving a little faster than they were. Why did they bring an old man recovering from surgery out to the woods anyway?? Were they hoping to get their greedy paws on the ranch ASAP?

My phobia was beginning to get on my nerves though. It reminded me too much of my Mom. When I was a kid, it drove me beserk that she was afraid of everything. I remember saying snottily to her one teenaged day, "Guess what Mom, life's scary!!!! You know why? 'Cuz you're gonna DIE!!!"

Originally I reserved campsites for Yogi's stomping grounds out there in Wyoming. But John suggested I reconsider. I called the campground and asked them about bears. "Will there be bears coming through the campground at night? Because I'm afraid I won't get any sleep."

"Oh, they're comin'. Why last year they grabbed a guy by the leg and shook him around a little bit. 'Course he wasn't followin' any of the rules..."

"I think I'd like to reserve a cabin," was my instant response.

Last night I was channel surfing and came across a show called "Maneaters" on Animal Planet. Stories about people attacked by grizzlies in Montana, black bears in Alaska. Probably I should have bypassed this show. But I felt compelled to learn. Apparently it's best to play dead when attacked by grizzlies, while with a brown bear you must fight for your life. Black bears can be brown, and grizzlies can be small, so it's not a bad idea to study your bears before you go to a place that as both!!!

I still don't want to see a bear anywhere besides a zoo. Or maybe from a long ways away with my binoculars from the safety of my Jeep Liberty. And I can drive away faster than 30 miles per hour when he charges.

The guy did reassure me, though, this year is supposed to be a better crop of berries.

Hear that, Yogi?

1:11 Again

When I arrived at my job today, a gas burner on the kitchen stove was turned on, and no one was home except for the two cats. My client/friend who lives in this house had a fire a few years back. Although that fire started downstairs in the garage and not in the kitchen, being of the "neurotic worrier" type, I made a mental note to mention the burner to him. Then I began to trace the morning back to my kitchen, where I groggily putter around while gulping vast amounts of coffee in effort to join the world of the living. Had I turned off the coffee pot? Would my house burn down? As I started to work, I drifted into my usual free-association-meditation cleaning style. Note to self: go to Costco to re-up stash of personal favorite drug, coffee! Must go tonight!!!


Mornings are hell for me, since I'm a natural night owl. Yes, I get up, but it's never easy, and never has been since childhood. Hence the coffee addiction. Every once in awhile, I become acutely aware that it is, in fact, an addiction. This usually occurs in the rare event that I don't get to the store in time to replenish my "supply" and the day comes I must face morning without my "little helper." That happened last week...


I was too tired after work to go to the store Friday night, even though I knew what I would be facing in the morning. "I can handle it," I told myself casually (I can quit anytime I want to!) The next morning I was up at the crack of dawn. The dog wanted breakfast! John was snoring away! I certainly can't go back to sleep now! I'll just take the mutt out and then run over to Safeway before anyone else gets there! I was bursting with energy, revved up to make my a.m. caffeine run. Ah, what a beautiful morning. So peaceful.


As I waited on LulaBelle to do her business, I saw a couple staggering towards the stairway that leads to the beach, obviously on an all-night bender. They stopped behind a bush when they saw me, checking me out. Was I apartment security? Should they be paranoid? The guy hurried towards the staircase. I imagined him anxious to hit the pipe and bottle in his pocket. The girl hesitated, uncertain whether she should follow him down that long staircase to the cold, windy beach. Did she even know him? She looked bedraggled.


Suddenly my sunny mood dampened, as I recalled similar experiences from my own past. What depressing and dangerous scenarios I put myself in, with complete strangers, on a near-nightly basis on the beaches, in the parks, seedy hotels and streets of the city. How many mornings- after did I face the dawn, ashamed to be seen by "normal" people, wondering desperately, how do they do it? How do they manage to be normal? What have I been chasing all night, every night, and why can't I stop?


Suddenly I felt like I was reliving the past. My head pounded. I was exhausted. I felt that old, familiar, sick and hungover feeling. The dog is taking her damn time this morning! "Just go poo NOW! " I demanded. The more agitated I got, the more nervous she became, jumping at a bag blowing in the wind, barking at the birds! Though I'd been energetic moments before, I was rapidly slumping. Finally I dragged her back home. She'll just have to poo later.


I quickly headed for the grocery store. I didn't know how much longer I would be upright...things were getting hazy. Like a zombie I stumbled through the automatic door. The place looked like a war zone as numerous clerks restocked shelves, boxes scattered in the aisles. In my daze I tripped over a box. I wanted to shout, Why didn't you idiots finish this job before you opened the doors to customers? Aren't you worried about law suits? Of course, the only clerk at the checkstand was the slowest checker on the planet. Yak yakkety yak yak yak," she blabbed non-stop, as she flirted with the blushing customer in front of me. AARGH! On an average evening this clerk gets on my last nerve. But on a fuzzy morning without coffee... Suzie Sunshine was not nearly as sunny to me as she'd been to the guy in front of me, thank God. She obviously sensed the danger signals as I bared my fangs and pulled out my wallet...


Addiction is hell.


All this I contemplated as I worked. Probably my client forgot to turn off the burner this morning after heating water for his coffee, I thought as I dried his clean dishes and favorite coffee mug; a near-disaster brought on by caffeine withdrawal! As I reached for a plate on the dish drainer, the stack collapsed like dominoes. Two oven-and-microwave-safe plates on the bottom of the stack were broken neatly in half. How strange! I don't think I'd even touched them!


When I told Chris about his plates, he said "It must your kinetic energy; you don't even know your own strength."


I rarely ever break things at my jobs, but when I do, it usually happens in cycles. Thank God this is a short week, I thought to myself. I'll have to be extra careful tomorrow...


As I was driving home, contemplating Chris' remark about the "energy" and what it could possibly mean, I suddenly remembered that I'd forgotten to tell him about the burner. So I picked up my cell phone to give him a call. "Have you noticed a ghost at your house?" I asked him, "...because I'm almost positive I didn't touch those plates. And what about the burner?" (What I refrained from saying was, "and what about that fire awhile back?") He laughed. "Yeah, it must have been a ghost."


As I hung up, I felt like an idiot. It's embarrassing when you realize that many think you're a little "dingy" for even considering this ghost thing. I glanced at the digital clock on my dashboard.


Guess what time it was????
1:11.